The following contains scenes of anti-Christmas nature which some readers may find distressing. Christmas caution is advised.
I was 8 years old when I found out Santa was a nasty man. That year I asked for a poodle and got a pink stuffed one. I hate pink. When I started crying, my mum explained Santa couldn't bring 'real' dogs because the trip was too long. This dried my tears until my cousin Paquito arrived with the live puppy Santa had left him!
Something was terribly wrong. Santa had favourites.
If I needed any more convincing, my cousin Tomasita whose Daddy was 'far away on a trip' (aka prison), didn't get anything from Santa. I was forced to share my pink poodle with her, which to this day, I resent.
As for Santa, well, it's no secret he has always favoured the rich.
For the record, I am not dissing Santa. Children need him. Those little critters deserve some happiness before entering the world of social media's 'go-compare- torture'.
More than that, parents need him now that most discipline techniques are about as effective as FIFA's attempt at image repair. A sharp, 'Santa won't bring you anything!' is more effective than Super Nanny's 'naughty step', which only works on TV or in the context of kinky adult sex.
However, there are concerns about the guy, and I've been keeping tabs ever since the poodle incident. I've come to the sad conclusion that he is a dictator with one of the most prolonged rules known to humanity.
I know many of you are shaking your Christmas-spirited heads in denial, but let's look at some of his shenanigans which are common to all dictators:
1. Self-appointed leader – with no governing body to check his power. Have you ever heard of Santa Elections?
Nope.
Attempts from Catholics to get the Three Wise Men elected have failed miserably. Reliable sources (elves that work in his sweatshop) say Santa spreads rumours those 'old goats' (aka the Three Wise Ones) only give gold, frankincense and myrrh.
Children, of course, want toys. And what the hell is myrrh?
2. Cult of his persona – fostering a form of hero worship in which the masses are conned into believing he's divine. It's like schoolchildren in North Korea who are (allegedly) taught to think Kim Jong-un is the source of all good.
We're brainwashed with songs like 'Here Comes Santa Claus' or the very disturbing 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town', which leads to the next point.
3. Spies on his people – to retain his power and ensure no dissidents. Take a look at the 'Santa coming to town' lyrics:
"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good, so be good, for goodness' sake."
That's East German Stasi tactics, 'You better watch out!'
4. Controls mass media – the guy's everywhere! Remember Saddam Hussein's Iraq? Full of statues, murals and posters bearing his image?
That's kid's play compared to Santa, who even managed to get his face into Starbucks cookies!
We are literally swallowing his lies! In the past Santa propaganda was restricted to December, but now it's out as early as September! In some places, his cult runs so deep Christmas Shops are open all year around.
These are his weapons of 'mass seduction'.
5. The Parade - he's also managed to have that one event common to the best of dictatorships, the parade. In Santa's case, The Christmas Parade.
So here we stand, under the rule of a narcissist whose image is everywhere, elves working in inhumane conditions (OK, they aren't human, but still), reindeer forced to do unnatural things (like flying?).
Where's the RSPCA when you need them?
As a Toastmaster, I have a voice! A voice that demands Christmas democracy! It's time to take the reindeer by the antlers!
A voice that can say more than 'HO! HO! HO!' (filler words if I ever heard any).
A voice that can provide positive evaluations, not just 'NAUGHTY or NICE'.
Thanks to Table Topics, I can hold conversations on almost any subject. No need for creepy anti-social behaviour like going down a chimney to avoid mingling with the house owners. As a Toastmaster, I can communicate!
I'm officially announcing my candidacy: Sonia for Santa! Vote for me, and have yourself a Very Merry Christmas.
Sonia is a Toastmaster and member at Riverside Communicators Club.