Wondering what the future will look like post-Corona? After intensive idiotic investigations and ridiculous rigorous research, the following newscast provides the answer.
This is Riverside Communicators reporting LIVE! From the future!
Covid-19 is officially over. No need to worry about the virus killing off humanity; now it’s back to nuclear weapons, terrorist attacks and hate crimes.
No more Corona fever! Although there are still fevers out there, like hay fever, spring fever, Saturday Night Fever,
‘…night, fever night feveeer…’
That song alone is reported to produce a slow and painful death.
No more two-meter rule! Joyful time for pickpockets, backstabbers and bum grabbers!
Mediterranean countries are back to hugging with passion! So much passion that sometimes group hugs turn into orgies. Meanwhile, Brits are delighted to be back to keeping 10 meters distance from each other in the UK. As one man from Leatherhead said, ‘The two-meter rule was too close and infringed in our personal space’.
Track & Trace apps are no longer needed but still used to avoid unpleasant encounters with boring relatives and annoying neighbours.
POLITICS
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has just published his bestselling book, ‘The Life-Changing Magic of Getting Away with Everything’. He freely admits discarding all the information that does not bring him joy. Marie Kondo is seeking compensation for breach of copyright.
Dominic Cummings is now a tour guide at Barnard Castle. Keir Starmer works in a nudist camp; he’s finally showing some b… some courage.
In the US, Donald Trump launches his presidential campaign, ‘Orange Lives Matter’, and promises to ‘Make America Fake Again’.
TECHNOLOGY
Social media replaces ‘thumbs up’ and ‘thumbs down’ with everyone’s favourite ‘the middle finger’. Zoom’s latest upgrade shows the whole body, confirming everyone’s suspicion that most zoomers are half-naked.
Ted Talks rebranded ‘Fed Up with these Self-Righteous Talks’.
BREXIT
The UK is hit by a Cadbury Flake shortage. Brexiteers claim it’s #FlakeNews.
Things turn bitter Brexsweet as lorry driver shortage threatens Haribo sweets. It’s POLO-rising.
BUSINESS
Amazon’s Jeff Bezos buys the world.
It’s back to live office meetings, which are no different from zoom meetings. Everyone is on mute, and the manager talks non-stop for five hours.
Protests continue on climate change, human rights, statues’ rights, parents’ rights (not to home school), teachers rights (not to care), ban decaf forever rights, the right to be right and the right to protest. Protesting is now a paid profession. If you disagree, you can protest.
HEALTH
A new illness is sweeping through all nations; it’s called CORONA NOSTALGIA:
· When we could drink, stuff ourselves with food and spend money like there was no tomorrow (because there might not have been a tomorrow).
· When couch potatoes were considered thoughtful and heroic, now we are back to being lazy slobs.
· When drinking alone was thought to be conscientious and considerate, today we’re just drunk losers without any friends.
· Thanks to the vaccine’s success, we can now do things we never really wanted to do in the first place. Like ‘Taking it to the Next Level’, when we can’t even cope with this one!
To help with the symptoms, the government has declared the 23rd of March as ‘Lockdown Remembrance Day’. Staying at home will be mandatory. ‘Taking it to the Next Level’ will be a criminal offence.
TOASTMASTERS INTERNATIONAL
Ruth Ribeiro elected world-wide-master-of-the-universe president, bringing joy, empathy and a ‘Don’t Mess with Her!’ attitude to this slightly male-dominated organisation.
Rakhi Jain wins the Nobel Peace Prize for keeping it together during the Pandemic year.
Finally, Riverside Communicators is officially named the ‘Best Club in the Universe’. In true Toastmaster style, all the other clubs offer their congratulations while holding a slight grudge.
This has been POST CORONA NEWS, brought to you by Sonia Aste.